If I played in the NHL...

I saw this on EOB and Army of the Ohio, and I had to get in on the action. I’ve never played any sort of league ice hockey, but I did briefly play on a roller hockey team and a couple of floor hockey teams, and Yoder and I used to play on the ice at OU after hours. If I could go back and do it over again, I would have made more of an effort to start playing hockey in the youth leagues. I always wanted to, but the parents wouldn’t let me. They were always worried about injuries and cost.

C’est la vie.

If I were an NHL player:

• Team: The Blue Jackets, of course
• Jersey number: 21
• Position: Defense
• Nickname: Don’t really have a hockey-esque nickname. One of my friends called me T-Spizzy in college, so we’ll roll with that.
• On my line: Zdeno Chara. I’m not what you’d call a tall guy, so the contrast would be pretty amusing.
• Rounding out the power play: Sergei Fedorov is a must because of his all-around ability, then probably Anson Carter for his playmaking and timeliness, and Alex Ovechkin for style points
• Job: Sliding around the blue line on offense setting up the perfect assist.
• Signature move: Sudden rush to the net from the point when the opponent’s PK line is tangled up.
• Strengths: Speed, ability to slip in-between attackers to break up a play.
• Weaknesses: Weak slapshot from the point, pretty lightweight
• Injury problems: Nothing reoccurring, but more than likely a bunch of bumps and bruises from flying pucks
• Equipment: Standard issue helmet with clear plastic visor, extra long stick with a medium curve.
• Nemeses: Todd Bertuzzi (gotta watch my back), Sidney Crosby, Marcus Naslund, Keith Tkchuk.
• Scandal involvement: None. I’m pretty clean-cut. Definitely no ‘roids. I might back date some stock options a-la Steve Jobs, but hey, nobody gets two minutes or a suspension for that.
• Who I’d face in the Stanley Cup Finals: Toronto Maple Leafs. Their tradition makes them a fierce opponent for any team. On the way to the cup, I’d love to go through Detroit though… and have given Nashville the smackdown during the season.
• What I’d do with the Stanley Cup after the victory: Eat ramen noodles and macaroni and cheese out of it. Then take it to the C.I. (Athens bar) and drink beer out of it all night while shooting pool.
• What would be the media’s opinion of me: A solid player, though not an All-Star. Hard worker, student of the game, but not a trouble maker. Always up for sharing my opinions on-air and ready to make a public appearance.

Alright Yoder, your turn.